July 5, 2021
It's a new day and I'm feeling good...
Today in my morning prayer and meditation I gave thanks to my creator for allowing me to see another day and for the people who have brought so much joy to my life. The holidays use to be a very difficult time for me... I've been single more years than married or in a relationship. During one season of life I thought that because I didn't have a significant other, something was wrong with me. It took a while but I finally realized that the mantle that was placed on my life required a focus that wouldn't allow me to live the way I see others live around me. I was married and divorced in my 20s and that union gifted one baby girl. My dedication to her, my parents and my purpose became paramount.
Many years of fighting loneliness eventually turned around by digging deeper and asking myself hard questions. Am I even ready for a serious relationship? Would I date myself? Why do I want to be in a relationship so bad? With all that I'm trying to accomplish, would a relationship be in my best interests?
Lol boy oh boy did I learn alot about myself. I had major trust issues that led to needing to be in control. I was super curious which had me in a lot of questionable situations. I didn't like answering to anyone and didn't handle conflict well. I felt that I had to prove I could match my male counterparts which had me looking disrespectful and like I didn't need them. I had no problem attracting men, but couldn't land myself a 'decent man'.
After years of taking inventory of myself I finally made a decision to do better which meant I had to change some things I'd been doing for over a decade. My divorce took a toll on me that lasted over 10 years. I had to forgive myself for that part of my life. Paying attention to my own patterns gave me an understanding of others - we all do things that aren't in our best interests and alot of times it's a cry for help. I looked at my circle and realized most of my friends were struggling in the same areas I was which meant I had to seek help outside of my comfort zone.
These and many more epiphanies led to me learning how to replace negative thoughts with positive. By going to a Bible based ministry I received the spiritual healing needed to gain strength that would help me fight those feelings of loneliness, insecurity and low self-esteem. Shifting my focus from pleasing others (regardless of how it impacted me) to honoring the God in me gave me a new perspective on how to live a more happy, joyous and fulfilling life, with or without a spouse. Therapy taught me how to set reasonable boundaries which gave me room to process what all was happening in my world in healthy and productive ways.
I write these words today hoping to encourage someone to keep pressing forward. Yesterday was the fourth of July and while many were celebrating, there were even more who struggled to get thru the day. Loneliness can lead to depression and that is a real battle. Kudos to those who won't lie down and let uncomfortable feelings take over. If we've worked together in any capacity, know that this #ladymusician is thinking of you always and sending positive light and energy your way, whether we talk regularly or not. Work has been my spouse and because our paths crossed, you are important to me.
If no one else says it, you are loved and appreciated. You matter and you have what it takes to get through whatever you're going through. Let love and light guide be your guide and I promise things Will work out as they should. Warning: it may not be the way you want them to! We reap what we sow lol Make a point of sowing good seeds so that a great harvest returns.